Effective Communication

     Hello again everybody! In a world that is now focused so much on digital communication, we as human beings tend to have a harder time knowing how to communicate. In this day and age, we are so focused on being comfortable. This often makes communication seem like a scary and uncomfortable thing, however, it is of key importance to an effective, intimate, and lasting marriage. So today, I'd like to talk about many different forms of healthy communication and how they can help you in your marriage.

    The English language is far from perfect. In fact, no language is perfect. Latin based languages are some of the best at expressing emotion, but they miss the mark. Language isn't always about the words we speak; it also has to do with how we present those words. Researchers have stated that words only depict about 14% of what we are trying to say. The other 86% has to do with our tone and body language. For example, if I were to come up to you and say, "You look really nice today" but with a snarky tone and a big old frown on my face, you would most likely think that I meant the total opposite of what I was saying. We have to not only be mindful of what we say, but also how we say it. Technology makes this even worse. It is nearly impossible to interpret mood or tone through what's being said over text messages or social media. For many, adding a period or using only lowercase letters can be interpreted as someone being angry or annoyed. This is why in person conversation is a much more effective and healthy form of communication.

    In every marriage, conflict will naturally arise. There is nothing wrong with having disagreements. sometimes these disagreements can escalate into something unwanted and hurtful. The way we communicate can completely change our conflicts. David Burns has created a model called the "5 Secrets of Effective Communication". The five "secrets" he uses are called, "The Disarming Technique", "Empathy", "Inquiry", "I Feel Statements", and "Stroking". The first technique, the "Disarming Technique" involves finding some truth in what the other person says, even if you believe that what they said is totally unreasonable and unfair. An example of this would go something like this, "You're right. Me not being home often is affecting our children and I don't want this to happen". This technique opens the doors to more positive and effective communication.

    The second technique, "Empathy", is the act of putting yourself in someone else's shoes and trying to see the situation in their eyes. This helps you understand more about why the other person may feel a certain way. "Inquiry" involves asking gentle questions in order to understand how they might feel. This has the same goal as "Empathy" but has a slightly different approach. "How does it make you feel whenever I do that?" would be a good example. "I Feel Statements" are a tool to directly convey your thoughts and feelings. An example of this would be, "I feel overwhelmed when I see dishes in the sink". This type of communication replaces negative "you" statements such as, "You're wrong!" or "You make me so mad when you leave dishes in the sink!". The last one, "Stroking" is when you find something genuinely positive to say to someone during the heat of the battle. You can convey a respect even though you heavily disagree on a subject. This can almost immediately diffuse anger in certain situations.

    All of these tools can be used very effectively when used with the correct tone. On that note, some of the worst arguments can be dissolved when a couple prays together especially during times of decision making. When you have the faith necessary and you put pride aside, Heavenly Father will give you the answers you are seeking. Remember to always involve Him in your marriage. He loves you and wants you to succeed. I hope you and your spouse benefit from this article. I will see you next week hopefully!